The Truth About Grief

There is a common misconception about grief- time heals all wounds. This is not true at all. Time does not heal grief. What time does is lessen the pain. Time makes grief less intense or less frequent, but it doesn’t heal. If time healed all wounds, then after the passage of a certain amount of time we wouldn’t have to worry about the pain of grief. But the plain truth is that grief never goes away. It is a wound that never fully heals.

This photo showed up in my Facebook memories this week and I shared it to my timeline. It’s my previous husband, Jeremy, and myself at Christmas 2010. That was his last Christmas. He died in May 2011. It has been 8 1/2 years since he died and the wound is still there. It’s not a fresh wound. I don’t feel it most days anymore. But, whenever there is a reminder or any reason that I think of him, I feel the familiar twinge of pain- loss, loss for what I had, loss for what I’ll never have. Loss. Raw. Intense. Pain. And sometimes I cry.

This photo is of my grandmother (standing with dark hair) and her sisters when they were little girls. Grandmother raised me and was my best friend. She passed away in February 1999 when I was 19 years old. I will never forget the last time I spoke to her. I was a Freshman in college and it was Saturday night. I called her while I was getting ready for a party. We talked awhile, but I was eager to get off the phone and go out with my friends. She died on Monday morning. It’s been nearly 21 years since she entered her silent sleep, but the grief still gets to me. I no longer live near where I grew up- where she is buried. My promise to myself is that the next time I go down there I will visit the cemetery, lay on her grave, and pour my heart out about the last however many years it has been.

This photo is of my current husband’s mother (on right with white shoes) and her mother and niece. Grief is not something that can be shrugged off after 30 days or a year or even a decade. When he lost his mother in 1983 he didn’t find out when it happened in May. He found out in December when the Christmas gift he sent her was returned. Since then all holidays have had something missing. He has a constant yearning to speak to her and ask her advice on everything important in his life. He truly wishes he could have a do over on so many things with her. 

We all have experienced some level of grief in life. If you’ve not lost a close family member or friend, you’ve probably lost an extended family member. Or, you’ve experienced the loss of a relationship or life dream. It doesn’t really matter. The grief is the same. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. The loss could have happened 30 years ago, or it could have happened this year. There will be moments of pain from the grief. Let it happen. Don’t fight it. Go with it. Feel it. It hurts. It’s painful. But when it passes you will feel better- lighter- cleaner. Make sure you take time during this holiday season to honor the grief in your life.

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~Chaya Levana (Michele Lefler)