10 Things To Do After Loss

Each one of us faces loss in our lives at some time. The type of loss varies, and how we respond to it does, as well. Each of us are individuals and our life paths will throw loss our way. My response to a loss may not be the same as someone else experiencing that same loss. But, no matter what loss we face, there are ten things we can do that will help improve our situation. This list is not in any type of rank order- it’s just ten things that we all must do when we experience a major loss. 

Get clear about what you want. 

This is not the time to make a major change without being clear on why you want to do it. Change may be good, but it may also hinder our healing process. Before making any decisions about how to proceed after experiencing loss, take the time to sit down and evaluate what you want out of life and why you want it. You’re less likely to make a decision that will lead to regret. 

Spend time understanding your thoughts. 

It’s common to have negative thoughts after losing something that we held dear in our lives. What isn’t normal is having all of our thoughts overrun with the negative. Take time to think about the things you say to yourself and others. Are they negative? It’s likely that some of them (any perhaps all of them) are. Think about these thoughts and where they come from. Even positive thoughts can be inappropriate at times. Nothing is all light and good. Evaluate where your thoughts are coming from and why. Doing so will help you get your thoughts and self talk on the right track. Remember, we all need a balance of light and dark in our thoughts. 

Find someone to talk to. 

It’s important not to keep those thoughts (good or bad) all to ourselves. When we have experienced loss it’s easy to want to be alone and grieve. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, we need to also have someone to talk to in order to help process our thoughts and emotions. 

Set a goal and work towards it. 

It’s likely that your self esteem has taken a pretty rough hit with the loss. It doesn’t matter what the loss is. Suddenly losing something transforms our idea of ourselves. Set a small goal and work towards achieving it. When you do you will start gaining confidence. Then, make another goal and work towards achieving it, too. Each goal we reach, no matter how small, helps to build our confidence to where it was before the loss. 

Honor the Loss

It’s important to honor the memory of what we lost. This is quite common when we have lost a friend, relative, or pet through death. But all loss needs to be honored. Did you lose your job? Have you recently (or even not so recently divorced)? Have you lost the idea of realizing a dream you had for yourself? Take time to honor that loss. When we experience a major change/loss in our lives, we lose the idea of who we are. By taking the time to honor and remember what we lost we can begin the process of healing and becoming our new self. 

Engage with others. 

This one is similar to finding someone to talk to. But talking to someone isn’t enough by itself. You can talk to someone and still be locked up inside without getting outside. It’s important to engage with others. You may not want to do this immediately, and that’s ok. But it’s important to get out and be around other people sooner rather than later. 

Practice Self Care. 

What is it that you like to do for you? That thing that you find indulgent and luxurious just for you? It doesn’t matter what it is. Do it. Even little routine moments of self care are critical. Take a shower. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Go outside. Sit in the park. Spend some time alone in meditation. Depending on what loss you have experienced and whether or not others are dependent on you, it can be difficult to remember to take care of yourself. But you must do it. Self care is critical. Honestly, if this list was in any particular order, self care would be the number one thing to do after loss. 

Know that your feelings are valid. 

No matter what you are feeling after loss, it’s key to remember that your feelings are valid. If you are sad, that’s valid. If you aren’t, that’s valid too. Each one of us is different and we experience and process things in different ways. Whatever your loss is and whatever you’re feeling now, it’s ok and it’s normal. That doesn’t mean you should stay in those feelings forever. It just means that there is no wrong way to feel after loss. 

Ask for help.

You’re likely to have lots of well meaning friends and family tell you to let them know what they can do for you. You’re just as likely not to tell them anything. Don’t. It’s ok to need help after a loss. If you’ve lost your job you may need help with finances. If you’ve gotten divorced, you may need help with adjusting to living alone again. It doesn’t matter what your change is. It’s ok to need help and asking for that help is not something to be avoided. Remember how I said self care is the number one thing to do? Asking for help is a form of self care. 

Practice gratitude. 

Find something to be thankful for. There is always something. Spending time in gratitude is another form of self care. It helps you focus on what you still have, and that can be very reassuring when your identity and confidence may have just taken a huge hit. It doesn’t matter what it is, find something to be thankful for and express gratitude for it. 

The Miracle of Being Yourself

Chanukah is a Jewish celebration that commemorates the rededication of the Temple and the miracle of the oil burning 8 days when it was only enough to last one night. For those of you who may not be familiar with the story I will give a brief overview.

Anyone familiar with the Christian Bible knows that there is a span of time between the end of the Old Testament and the beginning of the New Testament. Most people are not familiar with anything that took place during that span of time. There are Bibles that have various books in them that are not part of the current Christian biblical cannon. Two of those books are those of the Maccabees. In the tale of the Maccabees, the Jews were living in part of the Greek empire. The Greeks outlawed Judaism and all forms of Jewish practice and belief were not acceptable. Instead of studying Torah, celebrating Shabbat, worshipping the one God, and anything else to do with being a Jew, they were expected to fully assimilate and focus on the physical aspects of self that were prized by Greek culture. Some Jews did just that. But one family, the Hasmoneans, did not want to assimilate. They did not mind being in Greece so much, but they did mind having to give up Judaism. And, they minded it a lot. One of the sons, Judah, the Maccabee (the hammer) gathered up supporters. Though they were few in number they defeated the Greek army. When they went to rededicate the Temple they found it in ruins. Everything was broken and smashed, and the Greeks had even slaughtered pigs on the altar. They cleansed the temple and when they did they found one small container of oil- just enough to light the menorah for one night. It would take 8 days to get more oil and consecrate it for temple use. But, that did not deter the Hasmoneans et al. They lit the menorah, and they went to get more oil to consecrate it. Miraculously, that one small container of oil, enough for one night, remained burning for all 8 nights until the new oil could be consecrated.

That is the story that is told at Chanukah. Parts of it may not be true, although we don’t really know. The Hellenization of the Jews and the Maccabean Revolt are definitely true. The part about the oil burning for 8 days? We don’t really know. The Temple was rededicated on the 25th of Kislev, and they did celebrate for 8 days, but whether or not the little bit of oil lasted, we don’t really know.  If you want to read more about what really happened during the Maccabean revolt, you can read it here.

The Chanukah story has real life meaning despite the authenticity of some aspects. The Hasmonean family and their supporters fought for what they believed in. They were willing to die to be true to their Jewish identity, and many of them did die.

Many of us as metaphysical practitioners, witches, mystics, whatever you want to call yourself, face judgement and persecution from family and other loved ones. Many of us hide our beliefs and stay in the broom closet so to speak. Many of us tried to change ourselves for so long.

When I was growing up, all the way into my mid thirties, I tried to change who I was. I remember as child I was very empathetic. I could feel the pain of other people. When I saw someone who was experiencing emotional pain it would cause me to hurt in my heart. I was laughed at for that and after awhile I began to shut off that empathy. In my teens I began exploring these mystical beliefs but was chastised because good Christian girls don’t get involved in new age witchcraft. So, after awhile I pushed down my interest in these things. I was also very interested in Judaism in my teens and what little bit of empathy I did still have was felt for the Jewish people. I was told that was all well and good but that it couldn’t mean anything other than I felt bad for all the persecution Jews have faced though the millennia of history. I learned to deny myself and change who I was. I became a very dedicated Christian, moving from the Baptist side of things to extremely Pentecostal. But, while I was a “good Christian”, I was miserable.

In 2011 my then husband died. When that happened I began truly questioning who I was and what I believed. I wasn’t ready to leave Christianity, but I started embracing Judaism more and more. I began studying Judaism and attending a Messianic congregation that blended aspects of Christianity with aspects of Judaism. There are many different types of Messianic beliefs that range from Christianity with a flavoring of Judaism all the way up to full on Judaism but believe that Jesus is Messiah. The congregation I attended for 3 and half years was somewhere in the middle. Then, I started attending a Reform Jewish temple and I felt at home for the first time in my life. I pursued formal conversion and became a Jew in 2016. One thing I love about Judaism is the ability to question. I was never encouraged to question religion or faith until I became a Jew. Since that time I have embraced my mystical leanings to the point that I now refer to myself as Jewitch. You can read about that here.

Becoming my authentic and true self has been a miracle. It has transformed me. Not overnight, mind you. And I still have more growth to come. We all do. But I am a very different person than I was in the past. I am more loving and more accepting of others. I know that there is a light inside of me- a Divine spark- that lights up the world. And every day, as I say yes to being me and not someone else’s idea of me, that spark grows. It sheds even more light into the dark world we live in.

At Chanukah we light the menorah. We start on the first night by lighting one candle. We add a candle each night until on the last night, all eight candles are lit. Every day the light grows a little brighter and sheds more light on the darkness around it. The same is true for me as I become myself. And the same is true for you. If you have been hiding who you are I encourage you to take an honest evaluation of yourself. If it’s not safe to be your authentic self then do what you can. Only you know what you can and can’t do in that regard. I can’t tell you what is safe for you. But, I can tell you, that as you take steps toward becoming your authentic self you will be a more free and kind person. Your light will shine brighter around you. And that is a miracle .

10 Self Care Strategies

Last week I blogged about being thankful for yourself. You can read that here. One way to be thankful for yourself is to practice self care. I used to think of self care in terms of big sweeping measures such as a bubble bath with flowers or a massage. Those are good things and they are acts of self care. In fact, I had a massage yesterday and it was bliss. Massages are an act of self care that I swear by and make them a regular part of my self love routine.

However, I have found that self care does not need to be fancy. Often, the little things that you do for yourself often make a big difference in how you feel. So, I have come up with the following ten ideas for self care that are simple, every day acts. They don’t cost anything, or don’t have to depending on how you incorporate them into your life.

Pick one of these or all of these. Incorporate some of them into your life and see how they make you feel. If you already do some of these pick some more. The more self care you practice the better you will feel.

Focus on the now. 

Don’t live your life in the past or in the future. Take each moment as it comes to you. Worrying about the past or future only robs you of the pleasure that can be found in the current moment. The past can’t be changed. The future is often not nearly as bad as we worry it will be. Live in the now and face each moment and day as it comes.

Spend time in silence. 

Our brains are over stimulated  most of the time. We have televisions, computers, phones, and a plethora of other devices that are constantly streaming information at us. It’s no wonder that we have a difficult time relaxing. Spend time in silence. Yes, I mean time without talking, but I also mean brain silence. Take time away from the constant stream of information. Quieting your mind will lead to a wide range of positive changes in your body and mood.

Move.

Find some type of physical activity that you enjoy. I am the first person to admit that I hate to exercise. But moving your body does wonders to improve your mood and how you feel physically. I have taken up yoga and it has made me feel so good. I’m not good at it- yet. But I do it. Actually, over the past two months I haven’t been able to go to my weekly class because of my husband’s health issues. I miss it. I miss it more than I thought I would. I knew I would miss the people, but I didn’t know I’d miss the physical activity. I can’t wait to go back.

Meditate. 

This goes hand in hand with spending time in silence. When you quiet your mind it makes it easier to meditate. It doesn’t matter how you meditate. You don’t have to sit with your legs crossed and your fingers touching saying “om” over and over. You can, but you don’t have to. Meditation can be as complex or as simple as you want it to be. The simplest form of meditation is being mindful of your breathing. Take slow deep breaths and focus on the inhale and exhale. Do this for as long as you like.

Do things that bring you joy. 

It doesn’t really matter what you do for self care. If it’s something you enjoy than it is caring for yourself. I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. On top of all that I’ve started writing a novel this month. It is Work with a capital W. In addition to my full time job, and launching this business I’m writing a freaking novel! But I enjoy it. Yes, it’s difficult. But there is a joy I get from disciplining myself to sit down and write something every day. Sometimes I reach my daily goal and sometimes I don’t. But I write something every day. And that brings me joy. Find something you enjoy doing and then go do it. That is self care.

Eat the “bad” foods. 

There are so many people who cut out foods they love because they are bad for them. Carbs. Fat. Sugar. Cholesterol. Whatever. Constantly trying to change what you eat to fit an ideal- even health- brings misery. I’m not saying not to be mindful of your health. Definitely be mindful of your health. But don’t ban entire food groups. No food is bad. Just eat in moderation. Of course, if you have an allergy you have to not eat it. Or, if you eschew certain foods for religious reasons (I do), then I’m not talking about that either. But if it’s a food you would normally eat but don’t because you think it’s “bad”, go ahead. Eat it. Just be mindful of it.

Forgive. 

We’ve all heard the cliche about not forgiving someone only hurts you, not the one you won’t forgive. Or how harboring un-forgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting on the other person to die. Well, I’m here to tell you that there is some truth in all cliches. I’m not saying it’s easy to forgive. I’m not saying you have to forgive if you’re not ready. I struggle with that one myself. What I am saying is that when you choose to forgive someone it does absolutely nothing for them, but it lightens the burden that you carry. Plus, not forgiving someone is living in the past, clinging to the hurt. So, you can’t live in the now and refuse to forgive.

Do nothing.

Yes, that’s right. Don’t. Do. Anything. Set aside some time, be it a day, a few hours, whatever, and do absolutely nothing. Some religions have an entire day that was designed for this. Some people choose to do it while others don’t. But, if you set aside a regular time to do nothing then it helps you to be more productive when you actually get back to doing something. Besides, doing nothing isn’t actually doing nothing. It’s taking care of yourself. And that’s something.

Be spiritual. 

I don’t care if you practice a religion or not. I don’t care if you believe in a higher power or not. Everyone can, and should, be spiritual. Find something outside of yourself that brings meaning to your life. If you find meaning in helping others then go out of your way to be helpful. That is a spiritual practice. If you’re more traditional and follow a religion, do so in a mindful way. Don’t just blindly follow what your religion dictates. Take time to contemplate the teachings and customs. That is spirituality. Finding meaning outside of yourself and connecting to that meaning will bring you an inner peace beyond measure.

Be yourself. 

Above all else be true to who you are. The worst kind of self loathing is derived from trying to fit your life into someone else’s mold. I spent many years of my life rejecting my true self and I was miserable. I was actually pretty good at living according to other people’s expectations. But deep inside my life was chaos. I have physical and emotional issues that I carry to this day that are the result of trying to fit a mold I wasn’t born for. When I decided to be me no matter what I reached a point where I could heal. It’s not easy, but I’m slowly getting there. And I have found that the absolute best self care is to be who I was meant to be.